WetLeather Motorcycle Rider Information

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I want to buy several more bikes but am on a limited budget. What do you suggest? — Ed

Dear Ed;
The answer is quite simple. When money gets tight, all self respecting motorcyclists resort to the same thing: Bank Robbery.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I can't decide which name to use as a signature. Can you help me? — TiaSmackSugarBear

Dear Miss TSSB;
You obviously need to have a long and deep discussion with "The Mother of all Name Changers."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Suddenly, individuals are mistaking me for a guy. What's up? — Acme X. Chuzzlewich

Dear Miss Chuzzlewich;
Please do not trouble yourself with these blind individuals. They have yet to see you in leathers.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I've recently lost my job and now spend my time around the house eating bon-bons and working on the junker bikes I buy. All I have to do is clean and cook for the bread winner of the house. What should I do? — Dave

Dear Dave;
I fail to see the problem here.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
When I have houseguests, what is the polite way to get rid of them? — Carl

Dear Carl;
The Drs. philosophy for unwanted houseguests is computer work while naked. Gets rid of them every time. Well, there was that one time....

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
My kitten loves to ride with me. Is this ok? — Gena

Dear Gena
Hide your keys IMMEDIATELY! This leads to kitten delinguency. Your bike and your cat will disappear and the paper will be full of reports of leatherless and dismembered cattle followed by raids on liquor stores for beer and cigs! Remember the reports of strange little creatures attacking cattle, believed to be UFOs? Now you know, save your kitty now.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I like sheep. Is this a good idea? — Bill

Dear Bill;
No. Their little legs aren't sufficient to be good passengers. You have to strap them on which is uncomfortable and annoys the sheep. Not a good idea if you intend to get lucky later. However, if this is important to you, you might consider a sidecar.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
My CBR isn't fast enough. What can I do? — Terry

Dear Terry;
Put it in a plane, proceed to 30,000', drop it out the door. It doesn't get faster than that. Also consider JATO.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
All these strange motorcycle people keep coming over bringing food and alcohol. The strange part is, I like it. Do I have a problem? — Martin

Dear Martin;
The Dr. suggests long term in-patient psychiatric care.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I like to make deserts, but find it hard to carry them in motorcycle luggage to parties. Any suggestions? — Shannon

Dear Shannon;
Invite the Dr. over before each party and you won't have anything to...ah, a transport problem.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I seem to constantly see phallic symbols on my X-windows screen. Am I fantizising? — Brad

Dear Brad;
Au-contraire. Early computer geeks did this on purpose so their sexual stimulation and beloved computers would be combined saving valuable time.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I tend to breathe fire as I get older. Is there anything I can do? — Dragon Lady

Dear Miss Dragon Lady;
Pictures the Dr. has seen suggest Dragon's to be offshoots of the reptile family. As such, I would suggest finding someone who will take you out into the sunlight, flip you over on your back, and pat or rub your stomach.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I would like more opportunities to exercise my whip. Where do I look? — Gena

Dear Gena;
Think.......MANAGEMENT.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I feel that the notes I send may be to explicit for the mailing list. Will I embarrass myself by posting? Thanks in advance for your response. — Lauri McBeath-Davies

Dear Miss McBeath-Davies;
As Dr. Wetleather has no desire to stand, you may send your notes to the Dr. who will gladly moderate them. Glad to be of service.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I'm new in town and haven't figured out my mailer yet. Any tips?

>I've got something else by her on my gotta read list too. *grin*.  I'll
>keep my eye open for it.
>>I have almost everything she's written.  If you want to borrow
>>something to read at night, just let me know!
>No Sh*t there I was...
>>>What is Haggis?

— General Wendy Brookes

Dear General;
Let me guess, you work at Microsoft...a SOFTWARE company.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I've accidentally posted some private mail to the list. Do you see a problem with this? — Bonnie

Dear Bonnie;
Not at all. You brighten what is an otherwise dreary day. Please continue.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
The company I work for sends me to far away countries were I get to explore and have been able to take my motorcycle and even my girlfriend. Is this a great country or what? — Marc

Dear Marc;
Yes it is. You would make the Dr. even happier with ritualistic short sword suicide.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I've put a sexy picture of myself on a FTP archive site. Was this a mistake? — Leigh-Ann Hussey

Dear Miss Hussey;
Yes, because you neglected to inform the Dr. where, for clinical purposes, he may inspect this picture.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I have a loud yellow bike that likes to run, but it doesn't have a name. What should I call it? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Diarrhea.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Is it ok if I announce my engagement on the net? Even if it could be considered in poor taste? — General Shana Gerber

Dear General(?);
Unlike some members of the elite wetleather readers, the Dr. has a sense of humour. Therefore, knock yourself out. You are not the only one to talk of things other than motorcycles. Just remember to include your obmoto.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I don't like lymerics. What can I do? — Wes

Dear Wes;
There once was a girl from Yonkers, Who was equipped to make tit men go bonkers; Poet Goldsmith would say, were he alive today, "When she stoops, sir, she conquers." What was that? You don't what? Oh. My goodness. Oopsie.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
My company watches my every move and I fear if the dirty lymerics continue I may have to drop off of the list. — Ed

Dear Ed;
How embarrased the Dr. is. Oopsie.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
A friend signed me up for personnel ads. How can I pay him back? — Bill

Dear Bill;
Pay back in kind: SWM,[age],looking for MOTSS,lives with parents, into submission,girlfriend likes to watch, contact ....

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I like to carry swords around. Any suggestions for motorcycle carry? — TiaBear

Dear Miss TiaBear;
The Dr. finds motorcycle rifle scabbards work quite well for this kind of duty.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just purchased a XR100 and it's a blast but I already want more power. What can I do? — Bonnie

Dear Bonnie;
The Dr. feels he should point out that the re-sale value of a XR100 is excellent so moving up in bike size shouldn't be a problem. Meanwhile, Nitrous Oxide has always worked for the Dr. It works for engines too.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I have lots of wonderful piercings. Do you see any problems? — Havoc23

Dear Havoc23;
A scene from a strange circus where piercings are used to pick up dumbbells and other objects always goes through the Drs. head when hearing this. Never-the-less, consider having to go through an airport security check.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I fear I may be a female lesbian trapped in a man's body. Am I in trouble? — !dk

Dear !dk;
While pointing out the double negative involved the Dr. would also like to note that this kind of thinking works just fine for Madonna who's worth millions.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I would like to invite my motorcycle friends over to meet my relatives at Christmas. Am I foolish? — Martin

Dear Martin;
Of course not. Now your relatives will be gossipping about you and the normal subjects of the family gossip will be eternally grateful.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Got any current tunes to mention? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Genitorturers:120 Days Of Genitorture. Interesting...pictures.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I can wheelie my Venture the length of an intersection. Where can I get a picture of this. — Jim

Dear Jim;
The Dr. recommends the nearest photo radar.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I am not God. — Bill

Dear Bill;
The Dr. wishes to thank you for clearing that up.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Any musical suggestions? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
L7:"I Wish You Were A Beer!"

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I have a dirty mind. Do you think this is a problem? — LeighAnn

Dear LeighAnn;
Is there some other kind of mind to have?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I was very upset to not be mentioned in the last column. When that happens I tend to flame the very first target available. — Acna

Dear Acna;
The Dr. must point out that flaming is a Dragon's job. Having said that, it won't happen again.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I am not ANY God. — Bill

Dear Bill;
Uh, yah, lets move on.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Females like to grab my butt when I go to bars. What should I do? — Randall

Dear Randall;
Since you don't know what to do, the Dr. must assume that you are pretty old and forgetful. Go to the bookstore and look for "The Joy of Sex:The Geriatric Version."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I have fond memories of watching and hearing V12 Ferarris in '62. — Marc

Dear Marc;
As the Dr. was still in a small, warm, and dark cave your descriptions will have to suffice.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
While doing tricks with my tongue, I often try to breathe through my ears. Is this wise? — Carl

Dear Carl;
Ears are to easily covered up (particularly if you are doing you tricks correctly). Work on emulating the Dolphin. Practice holding your breath. Or get oxygen tubes for you nose.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What is a jet? — LeighAnn

Dear LeighAnn;
Rent "Top Gun."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Really, I am not God. — Bill

Dear Bill;
Get over it.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I am getting kicked out of my house. Do you have any suggestions? — Bill

Dear Bill;
A refrigerator box by a heating vent makes the best substitute home. Big enough to get into but no extra space requiring heat.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Any songs appropriate for this group? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Sammy Hagar:"Dick In The Dirt."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I've got a new dirt thingy to try out. — Terry

Dear Terry;
Try the above answer.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I get very upset when people don't call me by the appropriate name at the appropriate time. Do you think this is unreasonable? — Axle Chuzzlewater

Dear Axle;
Unfortunately, the Dr. must worry about much more important things; like being called late for dinner.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
When I go dirt bike riding my right forearm really pumps up. What can I do. — Marc

Dear Marc;
This sounds like overuse. Discuss with your SO on how to use it less.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I like to watch speedos when I go to the beach. Know of any good places? — Randall

Dear Randall;
You won't find much of this in the PNW but there are some beaches in CA to consider visiting.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I like to try on Nancy's T-shirts. What do you think? — Carl

Dear Carl;
The Dr. has seen Nancy. The Dr. has talked to Nancy. You aren't Nancy.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I got invited to play at a Grateful Dead wedding and they liked it! Isn't that great? — LeighAnn

Dear LeighAnn;
The Dr. once saw John Ritter.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Should I remain Goof2? — Christi

Dear Christi;
If your parents consider your older sibling the first goof it would be appropriate.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What is a Goof2? — Acna

Dear Acna;
Obviously, it's the second goof.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Hope you enjoy the snow. — Marc

Dear Marc;
As the Dr. only lives 600' above sea level the question is who are you talking to?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Can you think of any advantages to moving into a community with mostly retired folks? — Bill

Dear Bill;
The possibility of friends more your age?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What's the song suggestion this time? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Primus:"Bob" "I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself. Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I need to talk to you about someone. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
— Axle Chuzzlewater

Dear Axle;
Unfortunately, the readers of this are wimp...er very sensitive to real world problems so your post had to be censored.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I've crashed my Yamaha, and my shoulder's _still_ sore. Should I get special consideration from the insurance company since I now have to ride a Suzuki? — Ryan

Dear Ryan;
Silly boy. They are both Japanese bikes so there is no special considerations. However, if you had a Harley there is a special policy rider for the truck that has to follow you on your rides. Rumour has it you can get a similar rider for having a Harley AND a BMW. Now if you were to have a Ducati you would get consideration for having a Japanese bike provided you rode it during the week (i.e. put the most mileage on the Japanese bike).

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I once tried to mate with a F250. I can't recommend the missionary position. — Christi

Dear Christi;
The Dr. will keep this in mind. Unfortunately, a love scene will never look quite the same again.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I like to date people who carry concealed weapons. What do you think of this? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
The Dr. would feel much more comfortable if you would define what you mean by "concealed weapon."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I'm in Phoenix for a while. Does anything come to mind? — Michael

Dear Michael;
La Cucaracha ("The Roach") 12th St and Indian School (Red Burrito Enchilada Style). Papa Guya's 16th (?) and Thomas. The Highlighter, oh wait, that one isn't a restaurant. Sorry.

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Dear Dr Wetleather;
I know how to make an inline 4 cylinder 4 stroke fire on ALL 4 cylinders. — Scott

Dear Scott;
The Dr. bows to your technical skill that's OBVIOUSLY above all others.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Guys who buy CBR1000s are so OLD! — Ryan

Dear Ryan;
The Dr. knows the ages of several CBR1000 buyers. For them to be called OLD you must be about 12.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Is it true that Microsoft Word 6.0 is Politically Correct? — LeighAnn

Dear LeighAnn;
The Dr. has personally verified that the Word 6.0 Grammar Checker is indeed tuned for Political Correctness. The Dr. was pleased to note, however, that "broad, bitch, and bastard" were completely acceptable to the program. Nevertheless, "stoker" should not equal "fireman."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Except for visits from my friends I may get somewhat lonely in my new place. Any thoughts? — Bill

Dear Bill;
1-800-A-LAMB-4U (Guaranteed USDA Inspected)

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
How about a song more in tune with this group? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Primus:"DMV" "I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV. Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean. Stood there and I've waited, and choked back the urge to scream. And if I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee -call it pointless."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I recommend the biker movie "The LeatherBoys." Got any others? — Bruce

Dear Bruce;
"Easy Wheels" with Eileen Davidson and Paul Lemat "Chopper Chicks From Zombie Town" with Jamie Rose Trick question, what's the gangs name in the second movie?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I was looking through an old year book and saw a picture that caused me to say "I want to marry her." Better yet, she said yes. What do you think of this? — Blaine

Dear Blaine;
Hmmmm. Coincidentally the Dr. was just perusing the current Victoria's Secret catalog. If it weren't for those damn Anti-stalking laws....

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just got back from England where I saw the sights, slammed my head into the concrete, and got engaged to be married. What a vacation! — Gena

Dear Gena;
It is quit strange but the Dr. knows several people who would require their head to be slammed into concrete before getting married.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Somebody actually brought up Lance Holst. I really hate when the list gets off topic. — Arianne

Dear Arianne;
Militant.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just got a new FJ. Everytime I see it I jump with excitement. What should I call it? — Jim

Dear Jim;
Probe.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I had a bike really fall for me so I bought it. What should I call it? — Bill

Dear Bill;
GREAT SCOTT!!! This reminds the Dr. of a major brain procedure. So with that in mind try: Eddie (he was even a biker)

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I love to paw through underwear. — Bruce

Dear Bruce;
The Dr. appreciates the warning. An attempt will be made to keep a safe distance from you at the next party.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I'm a squid. — Ryan

Dear Ryan;
You must love the Monterey Squid Festival.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I can't see shooting someone for stealing my stereo. My Harley, however.... — Carl

Dear Carl;
What if the stereo was attached to your Harley?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What do you think of a couple just getting one T-shirt? — Shana

Dear Shana;
While this question is quite interesting on a purient level, the Dr. cannot be shocked by such simple questions.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
How about a music video with motorcycles? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Motorhead:"Killed By Death"

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What do you call your XR650L? — Acna

Dear Acna;
"The Nurse."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just bought a KLR650. It sure vibrates a lot but I still like it. What should I call it? — John

Dear John;
"Anal Intruder."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Why do you call your bike the nurse? — Bill

Dear Bill;
What else would a Dr. ride?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Why would male motorcyclists have a lower sperm count than the general populace? — Kory

Dear Kory;
The Dr. must wonder what kind of crowd you run around with where you must point out that you are NOT talking about female sperm counts. Never-the-less, a lower sperm count has psychophysiological reasons. The brain realizes that an agressive right hand can result in the close proximity of a hard gas tank and two small sperm producers. It therefore tells said producers to "downsize." Just like a factory laying off workers to get smaller, the brain tells its "factories" to downsize with the result being more space between the gas tank and pain.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What is the definition of SQUID? — Lee

Dear Lee;
Slimy Questionable UnIcellular Dullard

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Where are the propellers on a BMW? — Mike

Dear Mike;
On the badges silly.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just went to Springfield and bought a 900CR. What do you think? — Shannon

Dear Shannon;
That you came within spitting distance of my house and didn't spit.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I have often laughed at gruesome news stories but I didn't appreciate the jokes about the murders in Spokane. — Scott

Dear Scott;
The Dr. then proposes the Scott filter. Anything that doesn't affect Scott (like fried chillen in WACO) is open to hilarious and or disgusting jokes. However, something that Scott doesn't like won't be touched under penalty of hate mail and wishes of personal death.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Is there hope for me? — Lee

Dear Lee;
If you ride a motorcycle there is always hope.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I get easily offended about some of the subjects discussed particularly when they are about my employer. Do you have any suggestions? — Robert

Dear Robert;
Immediately go to your favorite clothing store and buy underware at least 1 size larger (2 sizes would be better). Tight underware is often the cause of such problems. A side effect is often increased fertility.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
How about music for the current flamage on the mailing list? — Jeff

Dear Jeff;
Joan Jett:"Rubber & Glue" "and whatever you say, bounces off of me, a yeh and sticks to you!"

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Did you know that my bike will power wheelie in 2nd gear? — Terry

Dear Terry;
As a matter of fact, the Dr. does know this. Several heartbeats could have been saved if a such a detail was given ahead of time.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What do you call people in Connecticut? — Brad

Dear Brad;
People on the wrong side of the Continental Divide.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
"Campione Del Mundo" was painted on my Ducati. What does it mean? — Rolland

Dear Rolland;
"Breakfast Of Champions." It's a description of how you should start your day, with a ride on your Ducati.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Is Eve the real name of Inc...er Acme? — Christian

Dear Christian;
She has many more faces than that. If she wasn't already mad at the Dr., Sybil might have been suggested. If the world had symetry, the next question would be from a Lion.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Did you know that Blaine has a sister that looks just like him, only lots cuter? — Bill

Dear Bill;
Having seen Blaine the Dr. would certainly hope so.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I really offended Chris. Do you think buying him a beer is good enough. — Christian

Dear Christian;
No. You must buy each list member a beer.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
The list seems quite contentious upon my return. What music would be appropriate. — John

Dear John;
Metallica:"My Friend Of Misery" "They say the empty can rattles the most.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Carl saw my underpants. — Lisa

Dear Lisa;
The Dr. will sleep much better knowing that.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Hope you have a good 95. I'm sure looking forward to it. — Terry

Dear Terry;
Perhaps you haven't heard. Microsoft has delayed the shipment of that product until 96.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What immortal hand or eye could frame your fearful symmetry. — Leighann

Dear Leighann;
For some reason the Dr. is suddenly thinking of a part of the male anatomy.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I've had occasion to kick a calf in the ass at high speed, in Nevada, at night. Can I now paint the calf on my helmet? — Charlie

Dear Charlie;
No. However, painting the calf's ass on your helmet would be acceptable.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I spent the last beautiful day of 94 working on my garden, lawn, and recycling area. What should I do? — Bill

Dear Bill;
Make sure you wear a hat. You would hate to sunburn your head.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
You should think of me more as a large, friendly, not-too-bright mutt. — Beth

Dear Beth;
And, presumably, fun to play frisbee with.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just came up with a good Gather joke: "so many buns so little weinie." Cool, huh. — Kory

Dear Kory;
How long have you had this "small" self image?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I don't get Spinal Tap. — Jim

Dear Jim;
The Dr. does not blame you for not wanting to lay down on a table and have a needle stuck in your back.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Do you have a song in honor of Debbie's alleged trip through California? — Bill

Dear Bill;
I'm On The Lamb But I Ain't No Sheep: Blue Oyster Cult

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I fear I am becoming a yuppie. What should I do? — Carl

Dear Carl;
Selling your Harley will be a good start.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
How can I conceal a large caliber weapon? — Buff

Dear Buff;
If it's that much of a problem get an operation.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Why are you holding your arm up? — Axle Chuzzlewater

Dear Axle;
It's getting so deep and the Dr. hates a dirty watch.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Should I give in to the temptation to trade my Harley in on that bitchin 535 Virago I've had my eye on? — Bad Bob

Dear BB;
Well, it would be faster.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What color should my new PC800 be? — Gary

Dear Gary;
The Dr. is found of Red and Black. Although there is a special place for Ferrari Chrome Yellow. Stand out proudly.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
The Nice Guy is a mythological beast that only exists in male fantasies. — Rebecca

Dear Rebecca;
Sorry, but the Dr.s fantasies do not tend to be about males.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Is Beth a red head? — Squid Hartha

Dear Squid;
She does ride a red bike. Is that close enough?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Please tell me why I'm soo confuzed? — Charlie

Dear Charlie;
Obviously it's because of the Ducati. You must sell it fast. And cheap. To Bill.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Hi Sweetie. — Winny

Dear Winny;
Aren't you engaged?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
What song do you have for me? — Charlie

Dear Charlie,
Queen: Sheer Heart Attack

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
What is DoD nominal? — Clueless

Dear Clueless,
282240 Furlongs/Fortnight.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
There's this TV show called Renegade. A guy travels the country desparately trying to clear his name. It seems he is wanted for killing some cops, his girl friend, etc.... The problem is, he rides around without a helmet, even in helmet law states, on a very distinctive and loud Harley with these stupid shades on. He sticks out like a sore thumb. Shouldn't he be caught immediately? — Axel Chuzzlewater

Dear Axel,
A) It would mess up his hair B) A helmet doesn't look cool C) What do you expect? It's HokeyWood D) All of the above

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
My life isn't complicated enough. What should I do? — Carl

Dear Carl,
Get something with Lucas electrics.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Happy Assasination Day! — Havoc23

Dear Havoc23,
Are grass stains hard to get out of clothes?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
My foot slipped off the kick start arm and I broke my heel. What should I do? — Jon

Dear Jon,
Push the start button? The Dr. didn't realize that a Harley could contain enough compression to do this kind of damage.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Anyone know of a 851 I can get for cheap? — Keri

Dear Keri,
Rumour has it there is one in Ohio that hasn't been ridden lately.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Yesterday I saw a scooter that I thought was Cool. The owner, presumably as an ironic send-up of the Kingdome, had covered all surfaces of his scooter, except the seat, small side panels, and chrome trim -- with Astro-turf! The effect was quite dramatic, and for a moment, I felt a brief cameraderie with a soul who clearly may not be able to go fast, but can do so in style. Do I need to seek treatment? — Rolland

Dear Rolland,
The Dr. finds little wrong with two wheels of mechanised power. However, the Dr. has always prefered natural grass to Astroturf.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Yesterday as usual being pressed for just enough time I was doing the old routine, zoomed of to work made it there with 3 minutes to spare, vaulted of the Guzzi and "no cargo bag" just the cargo net dangling there! I'm lost without my appointment book, just figuring out the papers missing, etc... what should I do? — Roy

Dear Roy,
You get to ride your motorcycle everywhere and are whining about a little inconvenience? You have a computer. Ever heard the term "BackUp?" Nevertheless, not knowing you have to be somewhere just means you can ride more.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
My friend is looking at PCs and Macs. What advice should I give him? — Paul

Dear Paul,
Sun Workstation. Oh, sorry, that wasn't one of the choices was it. The Dr. has a PC because that is the way it has always been. Also, all the Dr.s HW/SW experience has been non Macintosh. In other words, flip a coin. One question to ask him, however, "what kind of computers does his friends have?" If he buys brand X and no one he knows has brand X than he either has to get a new set of friends or become a loner, computing wise. What concerns the Dr. is that you are trying to get him to buy a computer instead of a motorcycle.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Did you know that my wife is blond/blue? — Sean

Dear Sean,
She should fit right in with Martin's Red/Yellow BMW.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I wanna do things while I'm getting laid. — Jim

Dear Jim,
The Dr. fears you are taking this Windows 95 multitasking a little to far.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Are any of these goat sacrifices viewable with "cuseeme"? — Robert

Dear Robert,
Yes. All you have to do is go to Martin's. They cu, you cthem.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I have been approved for a loan at a good rate for an ST1100. Should I get it or continue to walk? — Ricky

Dear Ricky,
If you have to ask the Dr. such a silly question perhaps you should get massive amounts of electro-shock therapy to "cure" you.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Should I feel offended and demand my place as the defacto movie reviewer for WL or should I just let this be and welcome the competition? — Squido

Dear Squido,
There hasn't been any real competition yet so don't feel offended yet. Besides, isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery? Or is it just theft. Interestingly enough, the Dr. was disappointed with the GoldenEye reviews. Not one mentioned how beat up and bloody the stuntman's face was on the opening stunt (It had to be done twice so presumably the first one did't quite work), the motorcycles (Cagivas), Famke Jansen panting at the end of an orgasm after murdering a room full of people with a machine gun (that Bening person is a wimp), or the coolest "car" chase since the last Dirty Harry movie.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I had a bit of a thing for trains when I was younger. — Ed

Dear Ed,
Presumably something about long things going into dark tunnels. Put the standard disclaimer here. Things like "if you are offended by something here, who says the Dr. is talking about you." Or "if you think the Dr. is talking about you, your obviously paranoid. Get help."This is number 12. The Dr. has been busy. Get over it.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
At the GoatRoast somebody counted 57 people. — Martin

Dear Martin,
That would be Carol Golding. A relation perhaps?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Hey, I just joined the list and have a Honda Pacific Coast. Any tips? — Dave

Dear Dave,
Pacific Coast? One word. GaryK.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
How can I unsubscribe? — TigerJohn

Dear TigerJohn,
You are actually asking for practical advice?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Don't bag the big one just because you don't have the patience. — GaryK

Dear GaryK,
Is this considered marriage counseling?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Can't I have a cool name like these other guys? — Jason

Dear Jason,
How about Da Butt Nugget. The abbreviation is convenient on the keyboard.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
My question is, how can I assist a bunch of abnormal bikers to attain harmony and light, not to mention a normalized perspective. I realize I'm asking alot, considering who we're dealing with here, but hey, you're the Doc.... — Rob

Dear Rob,
Abnormal Bikers? Abnormal compared to what? Non-Bikers?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Can you tell me why I didn't realize that putting fresh black beans into chicken soup would make the mushrooms turn purple and the chicken look like it had the plague? — Jim

Dear Jim,
The Dr. assumes that you eat out a lot.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Everyone is asking me if _I_ knew the person they captured as the mad bomber? Why me??? — Bill

Dear Bill,
All Professors look alike? Professorial courtesy? Seen one Professor, seen 'em all?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
A '79 Piaggio with side hack now occupies my boyfriend's every thought. It is a very pretty machine; gun metal grey... perfect for painting a "Memphis Belle" type image on its side. The problem? It is for sale, and I'm really scared we may have a new toy in the garage very soon. — Keri

Dear Keri,
If you can figure out a way to wear it he can't help but notice you.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I've created a monster (so to speak), I can't talk my wife out of rides now that she has ridden her hacked GL1000. — Rob

Dear Rob,
FBPKS. Fear of Barefoot/Pregnant in Kitchen Syndrome.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
How about a song for the New Boss? — Terry

Dear Terry,
Control: Traci Lords

Put the standard disclaimer here. Things like "if you are offended by something here, who says the Dr. is talking about you." Or "if you think the Dr. is talking about you, your obviously paranoid. Get help."This is number 13.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Did you see the picture in Motorcyclist of the Bimota V-Due's seat? Interesting shape, don't you think. — Beth

Dear Beth,
Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I sent this in to WetLeather from my new office machine running W#nd*ws 95 and a bunch of M*cros*ft software. I've seen those "=" signs at the end of postings before, but now I know it seems to be a fact of life with my new system. I give up. Is that a bug or a feature? How to stop? — Bill

Dear Bill,
The fixes will, of course, be in Windows97. This does require the updating of all your other software but you will be rid of the = signs. They most likely will be replaced with + signs but than that "feature" is fixed in Windows99.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Sony in Japan has some cool headphones for sale. They cancel noise. THEY CANCEL NOISE! — Gen

Dear Gen,
Stereo Review has been reviewing these things for 10 years now. Maybe they will finally start selling.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Randall slammed Jim so I made some threats to Randall. Aren't I a great friend? — Kelly

Dear Kelly,
The Dr. has always considered Jim quite capable of making his own threats so this episode merely made you look like a big idiot.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I've learned a bunch from this group, and I thank you all. — Relaena

Dear Relaena,
Saying things like that publicly may cause heads to get so big that they explode.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Is there a cure for Ducati Lust? — Scott

Dear Scott,
Ducati Maintenance.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Yesterday, as we were plowing through the snow drifts in my truck, my son says "No idiot would ride a motorcycle in this stuff" (he's 8 and rides). I said "Brad does" His eyes opened wide and he said "cool", I'm going to ride when I get home. — Lauri

Dear Lauri,
Presumably this is a point about Brad's mental age.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Bill's cat died. Can we get an upbeat song for him? — Terry

Dear Terry,
The Pretenders: Tattooed Love Boys

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I believe I am suffering from anxiety. You see, recently I have been overcome with lust for "this beauty". Now she is quite beautiful, but I am concerned about my lust for "this beauty" and my anxiety since I may not even be able to see her or touch her till May or June of 1997. In a way, I am worried that I will not be able to handle this foreign beauty. What if she's too much to handle? I think her name means two motos. I plan on taking her out whenever I can (weather permitting), but what if she does not get along with my other "beauties" who are of "Japanese decent"? Any insight you have to my situation would be helpful as I don't know how I am to survive each day till we are united. — Kory

Dear Kory,
Putting up a picture as "wallpaper" on your computer will keep you close until receipt. Otherwise, the Dr. is reminded of a saying, "Careful what you wish for, you just might get it."

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Isn't the triangle on the back of Shoei's to designate a slow moving vehicle???? — Scotty

Dear Scotty,
Or it means Yield.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Never Ever, in any way, Fuck with a Wolverine. — Beth

Dear Beth,
Doesn't this make it hard to reproduce?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Pls refrain from making ridiculous comments. I suggest politely that you unsubscribe. — Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
Ah, constructive criticism. Thank you. Now go away.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I am now a married man. — Bill

Dear Bill,
Probably a good choice marrying her before the Gather. All those friends and Dwarf Tossing to boot might make her think twice.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
What can I possibly do to overcome these feelings of isolation and being a loser cuz I wasn't out riding in the sunshine with my friends on Sunday??? — Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Move to California in disgrace.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
My real name is David but I prefer to be called Stroke. — Stroke

Dear Stroke,
The Dr. would rather not find out why you are called 'Stroke'.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I think we can talk about anything you want, even why people would urinate on each other as part of a sexual act. — The Other Beth

Dear TOB,
Do we really have to?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
What was with the dogs at the last Goat Roast? — Laura

Dear Paul,
That's the newest WetLeather fad. Tattoos, Piercing, next thing you know people will actually start buying BMW's.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Will I get to ride my bike again before April? Will you please move the sun away from my window until then? — Beno

Dear Beno,
Isn't there a Carousel nearby to give you the experience of a Harley til then?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I've been posting subjects and responding to this list for a while now, but I get no responses myself. Did I piss off the list owner? Or(setting myself up here), am I just not interesting enough for this scintillating group of motoscribes? — Paul

Dear Paul,

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I'm a newby on this list but I know exactly how it should be run and if you don't listen to me I'm gonna unsubscribe. — Kyle

Dear Kyle,
That'll learn us.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I ordered a new battery 10 days ago, it snowed the next morning, Yesterday, I picked up the new batter, it's snowing this morning. — BlackBear

Dear BlackBear,
Statistical Anomally.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
There has got to be some ceremony that some one knows about to bring on warmer and/or dryer weather (preferably both.) Any suggestions? — Steve

Dear Steve,
Events involving live chickens have been known to work.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
That was _so_ much fun. Weekend kisses. — Wendy

Dear Wendy,
Just remember, practice safe kissing.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
Of late, I find that I'm reading less and less email. Some sort of distraction has been getting to me lately. Can't figure it out. — Bill

Dear Bill,
Bragging or complaining?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
I invented the WINMAIL.DAT. — Brent

Dear Brent,
Not a good idea to mention that at the Pearly Gates.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
What if they call a contest and don't ask De Judge to officiate? — Christi

Dear Christi,
He has to be asked?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather,
A little traveling music please? — Charlie

Dear Charlie,
Blind In Texas: W.A.S.P.

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This is number 16.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Nobody should ever go to Starbucks. It's just overpriced yuppie junk. - Marc

Dear Marc;
Kinda like BMWs and Harleys?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What kind of music interests the Dr? - Shannon M

Dear Shannon;
The license plate on B(cubed) reads 'MTLHED' Any other questions?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
It was a fucking joke. - Andrea

Dear Katherine;
Ever noticed that the emphasis of a sentence isn't real clear in Email?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I'm not getting laid. Have I not been spending enough money on cool bikes? - Chris

Dear Chris;
If that is your standard find a street corner and start waving money. It shouldn't take long and is much cheaper than a new bike.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
My problem is that I bowl my age and golf my IQ. - EC

Dear EC;
Presumably you are young and smart. Otherwise this would be a good thing, wouldn't it?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
When I say "I ride a RF900," people tend to stare blankly. Am I doing something wrong? - Bill S.

Dear Bill;
They are either remembering fondly their dreams of the open road, or staring at a zit on your forehead.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
My sweety has gone insane... she wants to build a hybrid sidehack beasty and I am going to ENCOURAGE her to do so! What ever shall I do? - Jim

Dear Jim;
Marry her.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I just found out Carl has owned a Harley. Isn't that cool? - L. Stanphill

Dear L;
And this, of course, makes him just cool enough to talk to.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
What do you think my nickname should be?- Bill

Dear Bill;
What's wrong with Bill "FYB" Nolan?

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I have noticed that my Aerostich is beginning to fade. What happened? - Gen

Dear Gen;
Unlike the PNW one does not normally have to wear a Aerostich to the beach when in California.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
Is Diaz contagious? - Steve

Dear Steve;
So much so that he was banished to Chicago.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I don't understand women's hair. - Kory

Dear Kory;
Mutualistic Symbiosis.

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Dear Dr. Wetleather;
I had such a fantastic '97 including capturing my love. Do you have some music for me? - John

Dear John;
Soul Kiss: Olivia Newton-John

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The End